Friday, July 1, 2016

Finding Strength and Fighting Back

Happy July 1st friends!

I love this month so much. Not only is it the month of my birth, which is slowly becoming less and less exciting to celebrate, but it is also the month of my daughter's birthday! My little Sawyer bean is going to be ONE! I can't even believe that a whole year has gone by since I had my beautiful girl. As I have been preparing for the 1st birthday bash of a lifetime, I have been very reminiscent of all that has happened over the last year, how much has changed and what the future still has in store. I can't even sugar coat and say that this first year of Sawyer's life has been the best of mine. This year has seriously and honestly kicked my ass...

My parents split when I was very young, too young to even remember any strife or hard times leading up to the split. I never knew what a whole and happy family was meant to look like but I for sure knew that I wanted one of my own some day. I promised myself from the time I knew what marriage was that I would be married once and only when I was married would I have a child, if I ever even decided to do that. Don't get me wrong, I always knew that my parents were better apart than they were together and I was thankful that they hadn't created a huge, messy divorce situation which would have left us even more torn apart than we were. I was also lucky that I was blessed with a dad who couldn't stand to be away from me for longer than a week or two. I know the importance of that more than ever, now that I am going through being a mommy and a daddy to my own child.

The day that I found out I was pregnant was the day that I felt more emotions than I had ever experienced, during a single moment, a moment that would forever change my life and my outlook on love and relationships. FIRST, there was shock because my troubled hormones were supposed to make it nearly impossible for me to get pregnant without help from reproductive specialists. Guess what! Not so much trouble it seems. Then there was excitement, but two different kinds of excitement. The first was excitement that I was able to actually get pregnant! I had written it off and had been giving my pets the names I had once picked out for children. The second form of excitement was caused by the fact that I had created this embryo with someone who I genuinely believed I loved and felt in the depths of my heart that he loved me in return... I've always been gullible.

There was fear, OH the fear! I had spent so much of my adulthood thinking that I couldn't get pregnant on my own so I lived every day of my pregnancy in fear that my body would do something terrible to extinguish it. Being the practical woman I am, there was of course some apprehension in there. The little girl who promised herself she would never bring a child into a broken home was peaking her head into my heart and putting doubt that this man who I was having a baby with, the same man who had left his fiance at the alter and who so easily lied and cheated on the woman who believed he loved her so, would be faithful to me and devoted to our new little family. I probably should have listened more to that little girl but when it came to the nuts and bolts of the decision that was before me, I could never part with a child that I never thought I could have in the first place... even if it did end up just being me and her forever.

When my gut first started to tell me that something may be up and I wasn't being doted on like all the pregnant women in those happy movies or books you read, I fought the feeling. NO! No way was I going to accept that I was going to be alone in raising this child. But, by month five of my pregnancy and when the girlfriend started calling me on the phone, I knew it was time to swallow the bullet and face the facts that I had officially become the single mom that I so feared, knocked up out of wedlock and another startling statistic. I cried a lot over the last four months of my pregnancy. I cry now thinking back to that time in my life. It was definitely an all time low. Thankfully however, my momma bear instincts kicked in before the sadness could truly take over and I began to get angry. I decided that there was no point in loosing one more nights sleep over a man who didn't want to take care of the family he helped create and I put Sawyer at the forefront of my mind and every decision I had to make from that moment on. This instinct saved me.

Fast-forward to the absolute BEST day of my life, the day I learned the meaning of true love. July 6th, 2015, during the wee hours of the morning and after two whole days of labor, Sawyer was finally in my arms and every ounce of sadness or anger I had felt over the last nine months had vanished. At that very moment I met my girl, I knew that everything I had gone through was for her and was for a reason. Sawyer's dad came back around during that time. His girlfriend wasn't giving him the time of day so he grasped at his second best option, us. To be truthful, I am thankful that he came back around, even if it was short lived. I had help from him for the first three months of her life and I was grateful, I didn't care how much he had hurt me before. When he decided to leave us the second time, it didn't sting as much. I didn't have high expectations for him anymore and I was content as long as I had my little bean pod :)

Today as I look back at the whirlwind of baby daddy drama, I am thankful. I count my blessing and thank my lucky stars every single day that I didn't end up with this man. The man who could never be trusted, the man who wouldn't teach my daughter how men should properly treat women and the man who puts himself first before all else. I also thank this man because without him, I would never have Sawyer, my saving grace.

Looking over the last year, I have learned that I can do anything, that I am so much stronger than I ever knew. I successfully attained and have maintain my dream job, fighting for women's rights every single day. I have enrolled over 50 people into the affordable care act, most of which had either never had insurance or hadn't had it in 10 plus years because they couldn't afford it. I maintain the role of both mom and dad to my little pea pod every single day (wine helps make this easier). I have set and broken health goals, feeling better in my body than I ever did before I was pregnant! AND I am constantly teaching myself about the power of positive relationships. Not just relationships with men, but with coworkers, friends and even family.

Going through the experiences I have, helped me be more thankful for my parents than I ever had been before. No matter the hard feelings or the arguments, they never let me be in the middle. I was never a bargaining tool or used to leverage. I was in the middle of a broken home but it never felt broken! We did everything together as a family and it was all for my benefit. I know NOW, that the ability to do this for 28 years of my life should be equivalent to super hero status and I stand in awe of their unselfishness. I've learned to really cultivate and appreciate the good friendships I am so lucky to have, squashing any of the negative influences that may have once been in my life. You really see who your true friends are when you can't leave the house, are covered in spit up and have a baby screaming in the background 22 out of 24 hours in a day but they come help relieve you of mom duty for a few hours so you can sleep or even just get out of the house.

Is seems so cliche to say that everything happens for a reason but because I do not believe in organized religion, this phrase and the idea of karma are what have helped me through the hardest parts of my life. I believe that some of what has happened to me over the last two years was probably bad karma from decisions that I had once made and I can accept that. But I also accept that it has ALL happened to make me a better human being and influence for not only my child but for other individuals as well. We can do anything we put are minds to and we can get through anything that is presented to us. It seems simple enough in concept but this ideology has gotten me out of the darkest days. I never thought it would be possible to be a single mom, but I am doing it! and loving every single moment :)

With all my love and honestly,
- Your Honest Momma


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